Two days of getting my kaboose moving. Just have to keep doing it every day now! Kinda daunting. I've enjoyed it though. Listening to "The Script" while walking it out on the treadmill has been invigorating. Now I just have to keep it up when my mood gets bleak...that's when all my attempts at keeping a regimen have ALWAYS fallen apart. But I'm sticking it to God to not let that happen this time.
Speaking of God...he is merciful. I may have gotten the tough stick in life but He's not going to leave me alone for it. And even though I feel like punching her sometimes, it was my pre-mortal self who agreed to this life. I used to be heartbroken and bitter that I seemed to have so much potential and creativity for so many different things, but that I was too sick to pursue them. Dancing, sports, music (instruments), art, photography, makeup, acting, writing, ect. Plus the things I have pursued but could be even greater at; costuming, modeling, singing, ect. I know I have great artistic vision but you can't truly pursue something without the health.
Anywho, ever since I heard my "early death sentence", the Lord has made me understand, very clearly, that all these dreams are promised to me. Not just in the next life, but in this one. Not even afar off. And that I CAN win this fight. The way He let me know was by giving me loads of ideas, artistic vision, and enthusiasm; accompanied by the Spirit saying, "This is who you are and I didn't put it there so you couldn't achieve it." It's hard to explain feelings that can't be put into words. But somehow I can feel He's there holding me up, motivating me, so I can be "Angela." My life isn't about suffering.
Oh and I can't forget to mention that a week ago I started a new medication for the emotional rollercoaster that I am, and it seems to be working. I seem to be a little more capable of deciding how I'm going to feel. Kinda soon to tell for sure, but I hope it's true! If it is, it's no coincidence. I need to be in control if I'm going to keep up a regimen. The incident of me getting out on the town, singing/dancing/acting like a fool in my car, to my "The Script" music, is hopefully a testament to a change.
Don't stop your prayers and support though! I will still have low times, like ALWAYS happens, but hopefully they will be less destructive. I especially need you, my family! A LOT! Please help me keep going.
~Angela
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| My male muses ;) |
Well it's been awhile, and this entry has nothing to do with parties or costumes, but going to the ER and hearing pretty lousy news made me need to vent stuff out. I went because I woke up having these extremely painful bladder spasms, without my bladder emptying. Naturally by the time the doctors got to me I had finally gone to the bathroom but I still needed to stay because we needed to talk about why it happened at all.
Basically it all comes down to needing to get hugely more active and somehow lessening my pain pill intake. And naturally nobody healthy, like the doctor, has any idea how monumentally difficult that is. But unfortunately he's also totally right. I knew this all before-hand of course but being in the ER and hearing him bluntly say "If things keep going the way they are you'll gather more and more problems and won't have a long life," kind of hammered it home hard. So of course I'm scared out of my mind. I'll be much more violent in my efforts to get better now but it will definitely take a lot of support from the divine. I am sorely under-qualified to do it by myself.
Here's what I mean:
- How do you stay up on your feet when the nerves (from fibromyalgia) are so sensitive that being on them for 5 minutes causes pain in the soles? When it feels like you've been walking barefoot on hard rock for hours.
- How do you move around when your stomach is so nauseas all the time? Who wants to move when they feel they'll throw up?
- Then there's the chronic pain. And how it's unusually magnified when you push your body just a tiny too far.
- And then there's all the flues you catch so easily.
- Not to mention when you get this bizarre numb/tingling I sometimes get which no doctor quite understands yet. Though I'm pretty dang sure it is related to the intestines.
- And lastly, but far from least, is how severe chronic anxiety is attacking you ALL the time.
- So how does a person be, and consitently stay, active when all this is often going on at the same time?
That's why it's so hard. That's why I'm so scared. But unfortunately it doesn't matter how many valid excuses I have, I have to win at it or I'll only get more problems and I won't live to an old age.
There's nothing like all this to make me desperate to get all the heavenly help I can. So I would desperately appreciate your prayers and any inclusion in your fasting that I can get.
The only light-hearted thing I can say for now, is that it's too bad I can't normally get the same amount of attention from an attractive guy than I did when sitting in the waiting room of the ER. I found the cute guy with an injured leg looking at me every time I looked his direction. But that was probably because I kept showing severe discomfort. Digging my fingers in the armrest of my wheelchair in pain. Even if it was horrified fascination on his part, it made the wait slightly more bearable. ;)
